Davis Municipal Code/26.01.010/Eulogy

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Ode to a Fallen Giant

Thus ended the salvation of Davis, before it ever truly began.

I had a dream, once. A dream wherein I saw the future. I had called together the bravest patriots ever to call this city home and organized the Davis Citizens' Brigade, and we were going to stand up for law, morality, righteousness, and civility! We were to take to the streets and drive cravenness from this once-great city. "Citizen's arrest! You are hereby under arrest for violation of Davis Municipal Code Chapter 26 Section 01.010!" would be our battle cry. Those glorious words would resound throughout Davis, all Picnic Day long, and strike fear into the hearts of revelers, frat boys, dogs, skateboarders, stop sign-running cyclists, soccer parents, gardeners, squirrels, people with iPods, children, seniors, and pants-saggers everywhere! The streets of Davis were to be retaken for the virtuous once more.

Our patriotic duty complete, we would walk the peaceful, empty downtown without fear of having to see, hear, or otherwise perceive people. But, alas, the Davis City Council has fallen into dark times. Having been corrupted by vile special interests (undoubtedly the same people bringing Forever 21 to our once-beautiful city), they have revoked the last, great bastion of civility in the withering landscape of what once was the Rule of Law. Today good citizens weep with the knowledge that they no longer have recourse against people who have forgone the last wisps of their humanity to be—and I can say this in naught but a tremulous whisper—annoying.

Farewell, DMC 26.01.010. May you rest in peace. We love you.

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