The goal of this page is to provide an outlet for all wiki members to write down memorable, funny, or interesting quotes that they or their friends have said. No longer will we be forced to laugh ourselves into oblivion on one doomed night of Drinking Games only to forget the astounding wit that was expressed by everyone. Has your best friend said something hilarious recently? Did you? Well, add it here.

Try to keep quotes somewhat positive. We don't want people getting offended that their "I'd love to shove giant **** in my mouth" quote went up on the Internet without their permission. But, other than that, lets quote!

StevenDaubert thinks it prudent to note that the City of Davis-provided summer camp called "rainbow summer" kept lists of quotes that were amended rather frequently.

Please keep the quotes in alphabetical order in the correct category.

Memorable Quotes:
Professors
Wiki Users
Other People and Random Places

Professors

  • Nutrition Professor Liz Applegate

    • "Alcohol is not by itself a nutrient."
    • "If your phone goes off...what does it do? Jingle?"
    • "Any dust on the DVD player? About 38% of it is skin cells. Most of it is your roommates', probably."
    • "We're quite watery creatures."
    • "We're gonna talk bowel movements."
    • "You're a million tiny water balloons floating around."
    • "You wake up and...bingo. You're there."
    • "Is it okay to have two to three bowel movements a day? Sure, great...a record, maybe."
    • "Peanut butter comes from peanuts...they don't really look like you."
    • "You're not gonna see a pen or pencil in your urine...it would be really scary if you did."
    • "I only bought this watch because it's purple."
    • On constipation: "For you to have a bowel movement, it's an event...you grab a newspaper, walk into the bathroom and strain."
    • "Don't think for a second I can draw. I can't even draw a happy face."
    • "You're probably not downing a whole lot of margaritas while you have chicken pox."
    • "It's hard to talk and think at the same time."
    • "For some people, constipation is a way of life."
    • "There's pectin and gum like I'm chewing now...I should have spit it out before I started lecture. I forgot...I didn't. Oh well."
    • In Chem 194 while on both her mic and the phone with the fire dept.: "I don't need sirens or anything...I know you guys want to get out of class...I AM taking this seriously."
    • "I'm in a no carb or low carb situation."
    • "Is a female chicken called a hen? Yeah? I've got 'mother,' 'mom,'...all these weird things..."
    • "I think guacamole's a food group...not really, but it's good stuff!"
    • "I don't think you're gonna go scrape the bottom of a pond and eat it."
    • "Who here likes Cheez-its...really likes Cheez-its. I think they're fabulous."
    • "What time is it? Did I hear time to go?"
    • " I got a lava lamp for my birthday...I was so excited...I sit there and watch it. My daughter asks why I don't get stoned and watch it."
  • FST Professor Charles Bamforth

    • "England: Great beer, great food...Indian food..."
  • Theatre Professor Larry Bogad

    • "I can't imagine the police arresting Paul Bunyon."
    • (on the subject of podiums): "I think [they] have all kinds of potential power."
    • (on Aristotelian theatre): "You're not really a king! That's a plastic crown and you're wearing make-up...unless you're REALLY 'method'."
    • "Jimmy Carter's teeth weren't really the size of a bus."
  • Math professor (emeritus) Carlos Borges

    • (after a student corrected his mistake) "Well, that's the way we do it in Portugal."
    • "You shouldn't take me seriously unless I am talking about mathematics."
    • (halfway through his last day of teaching before finally retiring) "And now I am going to do something I have never done in thirty years of teaching. I am going to leave. What are they going to do? Fire me?"
  • English Professor Joshua Clover

    • "What if, despite being an economist, you are in fact a human being."
    • "I'm not going to talk about the f**king plums."
    • "God is the ultimate robot"
    • "I can dance to movies. I can dance to mother fucking architecture."
    • "All i know is, my love is like whoa."
    • "Yeah, well, you smoke pot and listen to heavy metal so everything's profound to you."
  • ARE Professor John Constantine - Winter 2006

    • "Well, this isn't the real world, this is Wellman 6."
  • Philosophy Professor Gerald Dworkin

    • ‎"I'm glad all of you were able to make it out through the weather this morning. It could be worse, right? We could all be in Washington where everything is frozen and nothing is moving. Oh wait, that's just Congress."
  • Linguistics Professor Patrick Farrell

    • "So, like, if you're gonna come up with a theory about astronomy, first you go out there and say 'Hey, there's all these stars and shit'".
    • "Languages don't just get together and have sex."
    • "Sorry, I was spacing. I'm more concerned right now with who's going to win American Idol."
  • Astronomy professor Chris Fassnacht

    • Student: "Yes, but can you SEE radio waves?" Fassnacht: "Well you could if you had radio eyes"
  • English Professor Lynne Freed

    • "This is just a jumble of music and poor, romantic grammar."
  • Art Professor Matthias Geiger

    • "I specifically like this picture of these carrots...that's a really nice picture of carrots."
  • Theatre Professor José Gutierrez

    • "I would've liked to see more monkey-banana ass-whipping."
    • "Golf clap."
  • Engineering Professor Mohammed Hafez

    • "In science, accuracy is everything. Sometimes, 10% error is okay. Like in building bridges. 10% too much concrete? Meh, good enough. Sometimes, 1% error is too much. Scientist says humans and chimpanzees are 98.5% the same. That 1.5% error is why you must now learn cubic splines and partial differential equations from me, while monkey eats banana."
    • "There is more to life than finite differences... there's also variational-principle projections, and semi-iterative relaxations!"
    • "Divide by zero, YOU GO TO HELL"
    • "Go in your room, sit down, close the door, and get high on Newton's method"
    • “Is the midterm going to be open book open notes? Open everything! Open heart!”
    • About the midterm: “There is no need to trick you. Anything would be difficult for you! Anything!”
    • “I see students sleeping in the class. You're not even going to understand this if you're awake!”
    • “If you don't get this you won't solve the problem because I am telling you this is a man and you are telling me it's a woman.”
  • History Professor A.K. Harris - Fall '05, HIS 10B

    • "The rise of the fork is a really interesting thing."
  • Art Professor Dave Hollowell

    • "What would I do if I were in my class? I'd walk out."
    • "Everybody's got a way of telling you how to do their work."
    • "I've accepted failure. Failure's a part of my life."
    • "You can't learn anything if you don't have the question."
    • "How I can help you is to help you question what you've been taught."
    • "You don't need techniques, you need experiences. You need reason for coming in here."
    • "You have to have desire. You have to have tenacity."
    • "I'm so tired of people's ideas. Ideas don't mean nothing. Everyone has ideas."
    • "Once the questions are growing, you need language."
    • "There can always be room for new experience."
    • "Why just do another painting? Do it better. That means you gotta ask the question."
  • Music Professor D. Kern Holoman

    • Music 10, Fall 2004
      • "Never touch, talk, look, taste anything while music is playing!" What about listening?
      • "Tender, warm, and juicy. A good happy sonata is like a good steak. How many of you are ag students?"
      • "Your daddy's rich and your mama's good looking la la la. Now it's the other way around these days, huh. Working mothers and metrosexuals..."
      • "Ipods. They're so CUTE!"
      • "It's even better live!"
      • "Now, I'm not supposed to tell you about these things, but... I have a wee little flash drive in my pocket..."
      • Alpha Gamma Omega became "Alpha Hoosie Whatsis"
      • "What? You don't know Three Blind Mice? Okay, THAT's gonna be on the final..."
      • "Going to concerts is kinda like church... worshiping at the feet of dead white Europeans anyway..."
      • "A musical movement, despite your opinion so gently formed by this class, is NOT analogous to a bowel movement."
      • "Beethoven's 5th Symphony, 1st movement, is characterized by hammering titties. No! Hammering tutus. Oh shit. Wait. Dammit. I mean Hammering Tuttis! When the whole orchestra blows together! Wow, this is just going downhill isn't it."
      • "You haven't had a proper breakfast? Here, have a bite-sized piece of refined sugar."
      • "Now now, don't go pestering the poor librarians about the MP3s... we're not allowed to say anything about them. Besides, we're still trying to switch all our music over to CD from phonograph..."
  • Entomology lecturer Ashley Horton

    • "Dancing pigs. Would that really be important in juvenile hall?"
  • Theatre Professor Lynette Hunter

    • "Who said 'thy' for the last 200 years? Maybe a few people..."
    • "You can't go back to origins if they've been rubbed out."
    • "There's never something beyond your power that you can't change. Never, EVER accept that."
    • (on postcolonial argument and theory): "Oh! You're a cute little marginal. Come and do a dance for us next week."
    • (on her generation in the '60s): "We rioted about manholes...and about manning an apartment. You don't 'man' an apartment; you staff it."
    • "[There's] my generation...you know, the dinosaur generation."
  • English Professor Dr. Andy Jones

    • "It takes guts to be irrational."
  • Departed Philosophy Professor Jeff King

    • "My books are like salmon, they all end up in Tahoe."
    • "Okay let me ask you guys a question. Consider the following situation: You have a brother. Is he male?" —Nobody answers— "Okay you have all taken too much philosophy."
    • "Sorry guys, I'm not known for having a robust sense of reality."
    • "Read this... But read it four-dimensionally."
    • "When in doubt, just appeal to annihilation."
    • "Don't worry guys. If you're lucky, you'll get the illusion of understanding."
    • "I mean, six-packs of beer that are in other possible worlds are pretty unimportant to your life."
    • "I am the big salami."
    • "Hey —and I mean this as an insult— do you have this random philosophy book on you?" —student blushes— "Um... yes..."
    • "Humphrey is not in there because this is just an un-analyzable magic ball."
    • "Imagine for a moment that both of my hands are intelligent."
    • "Professor: "You agree with me right?" Student: "Umm, you haven't said anything yet." Professor: "Oh yeah."
    • "Being human is a weird property, isn't it?"
    • "Ok. Imagine we have a dishpan - wait have I been saying dishpan? What the hell is a dishpan? I just realized I have no idea what a dishpan is. Imagine you believe in flying sauce pans."
    • "Ok. So if I'm at the top of a ski run and I say, ‘I could have been an egg but I definitely couldn't have been a dog...' this should seem intuitively to you that… this is a very weird thing to say."
    • "Just use black highlighter on those three pages. In case you were wondering, this is how you write philosophy books. Just take something that needs one sentence to explain and write ten pages on it. Then do it twenty times. BOOM-BOOK!"
    • "I like to bet against my favorite team, that way I win no matter what happens."
    • "Being not married. So... You bear the not married relationship to... everything?"
    • "I'm an artist. You saw my tittles. Um... Tibbles."
    • "This is how you tell someone's English... they italicize stuff."
    • "The copper and piece of copper distinction is... um... subtle."
    • "Deep Purple... wow... that brings back some... sort of quasi memories"
    • "We're taking the controversial position that statues have to be material objects... … um... that was supposed to be a joke folks."
    • "If you remember... which I'm sure you don't... Van Inwagen said..."
    • "Veer to the right. Hmm. What exactly is a veer?"
    • "I don't like seeing my own blood, because... that usually means I'm injured."
    • "I was in no mood for maturity at that point... so I just started bumping Old School 2Pac."
    • "Someone really ought to notify the Surgeon General about the large negative effect of midterms on grandmothers' healths."
  • Theatre Lecturer Michele Leavy

    • "Easy-squeezy..."
    • "Awesome opossum!"
    • "It's actor candy!"
    • "To what end?"
  • Chemistry Professor Ting Guo

    • "You don't know something, you pokie it, you figure it out."
    • (Someone asks why electrons are the lightest particle in the atom) "I guess electrons choose to be light."
    • (Student asks if the professor cares if we remember the exact masses of neutrons, electrons, and protons) "I don't care...well, I care but I pretend I don't care."
    • (When talking about Hydrogen on Periodic Table) "H is number 1, not because it won a gold medal though..."
  • Math Professor Janko Gravner

    • (Kid sneezes really loud in class) "I hope you're not allergic to me."
  • Theatre Professor Peter Lichtenfels

    • "When I was growing up, there were no [directing] schools. There were dinosaurs, but no schools."
    • "There's something happening in my body... where's the party?"
    • (on women being excluded from the "man's" business world): "It still happens today... except women don't get killed... they just starve to death."
    • (on The Crucible discussion shifting to topic of sex): "I think this class discussion is degenerating in a lovely way."
    • (on evaluating an auditioning actor): "I can be picking my nose, striking a cigarette, but do I want to watch [them]?"
    • (on directors in "the old days"): "I smoked like 90 cigarettes a day...you know, that's what directors did...ffft (mimes inhaling cigarette smoke)...'I'm a real thinker', you know?"
    • "At least it has life in it. You're not polishing a corpse."
  • Journalism teacher Steven Magagnini

    • "Even though newspapers are dying, news is not dying."
    • "A big part of the story is getting the other side of the story."
  • Math lecturer Lawrence Marx

    • (while working a pre-calc problem) "This is assuming that this makes sense."
  • Music lecturer Sam Nichols - Winter 2007, MUS 6

    • "I will get one puppy for each of you. Every time one of you labels a cadential 6-4 as a Roman numeral I, a puppy will die."
    • "Fourths can be consonant or dissonant, depending on their context. They're bisexual—they swing both ways, depending on which parties they go to."
    • "I like the book. I have a healthy respect for the book."
    • "We have to naturalize the F#. Give it its green card."
    • "Any questions before I add another layer of hell to our already...hellish...hell?"
    • "Cadential 6-4s are different. They're a controlled substance. They're like medical marijuana."
    • "It's like dogs. They understand a few words, but it's all about tone. Are you going up?"
    • "The book and I disagree. We should get a divorce, but..."
    • "This is not Catholicism. There is no Pope of counterpoint rules."
    • "These rules are all BS."
    • "It's like there's a marker fairy who came in and changed all the markers."
    • "Thank you for making that mistake. It means we get to review it. I'll pay your five dollars after class."
    • "Note my use of the technical word 'stuff'."
    • "We call it rounded. We should call it something else. We should call it 'binary with a hint of other stuff at the end'."
    • "Here's where all hell broke loose." *labels ii6 chord "hell"*
    • "What does this sound like? Blank and blank. Ren and Stimpy? No."
    • "My metaphor for this is that they're all walking distance from each other. This—" (the key of G) "—is UC Davis, this—" (key of D) "—is Pluto's, this—" (key of e minor) "—is Armadillo Music."
    • "It's like when a little girl is going home. She doesn't know where Woodland is, or where Davis is, but she sees a white house and knows 'We're going home!'"
    • "It's like swimming in the ocean. If you stay on the circle of fifths, eventually you'll get swept out to sea."
    • "It's like a team. If one of the notes is dull and boring, another note picks up the slack. It's just like with you guys. If one of you is having a bad day, I won't pick on you. But sometimes I do."
    • "Time flies when you're trying to harmonize chorales."
    • "What are a few octaves between friends?"
    • "I can play dumber than you think I can."
  • Comparative Literature Professor W. Scott McLean

    • Fall 2004, COM 6
      • "That cool li'l character, the green frog. No, not Kermit! The one in Star Wars with the bat ears... Yoda!"
      • "Luke goes into the cave and kills Vader. The severed head starts to look like his. He goes 'whoa, I'm beside myself. I hope I'm beside myself. Otherwise I'm dead...' and the Yoda dude goes 'you take nothing in there but what you bring with you' and I'm like 'that's really deep. That's like life, you know.' "
      • "I have an Ewok bear. I don't sleep with it. I've thought about sleeping with it..."
      • "The fuzzy ewok dudes, they worship the robot. The golden technocrat."
      • "You couldn't have a conversation with your favorite old author. They'd be tripping out."
      • "I come in with my language and I pour it all over you like a gas can... it's KABOOM bye bye culture!"
      • "You don't need the apple and Eden and all to tell you what's good and bad. It's obvious. I put a blender up here, plug it in, pour a bunch of hamsters in it and turn it on... that's evil. Pretty obvious, right?"
      • "Cloning sheep... that's just not right."
      • "It was like, Humbaba the Hutt in Gilgamesh!"
      • "Ooops there I go shutting off the light again... Only gods control the light! Fiat Lux!"
      • "There are so many great songwriters in my generation, we're like the smartest greatest people to walk the face of the earth..."
      • "Covet your neighbor's goods... Hey, that's a nice ass you have there. Wait. Shit. Ummmmm...."
      • "Revelations... yeah. Old John had one hell of an acid trip..."
    • COM 6, Fall 2006:
      • On the Ramayana: "It's a fun book to read to your lover or boyfriend or girlfriend... I mean... I read it to my wife, then she falls asleep within two minutes and I keep reading for half an hour, and I go... Trisha???"
      • "Hugging is very cool. Look at that sweet look on Hanuman's face. And Rama is very handsome."
      • (puts mug back down) "I'd better not drink this. I'll get pregnant in front of everybody."
      • "A druid is, in its fundamental meaning, a TREE-HUGGER!"
      • "...Dress split right up to her belt, what a sight!"
      • "I'm going deaf... Throw me away..."
      • "It must be college — it feels like I'm suffering."
      • (Telling story of his friend when they were at a hamburger stand) "'NOW, MEAT FROM THE COW, BECOME MY THOUGHT!' [and took a bite] — Well, that's just it... I'd rather he hadn't done it at the In-N-Out Burger but..."
      • "Who are we anyway? That we like this fighting? I certainly don't have the answer, but I think it's an important question."
      • (on Gary Snyder's "The Elwha River") "'The teacher came to me and said "I just don't like you."/"Why?"/"Because I used to be a man."' What the hell is that about?"
      • "We are all eating each other. That's how we sustain ourselves."
  • Art Studio Professor Malaquias Montoya

    • "I hate computers...they do great things, but I don't know what."
    • "We're the only generation that's in prison already and we're not even in jail."
    • "You can go to the supermarket and buy 13 kinds of Velveeta cheese. That's some kind of freedom! You only need one."
    • "If you're gonna learn something, you might as well learn how to do everything."
  • English Professor Timothy Morton

    • "Consciousness sucks."
  • Sociology professor Brian Paciotti

    • "Which of these is true? What is beautiful is good, or what is beautiful is me?"
  • Art Professor Lucy Puls

    • "I'm not saying that those of you who work in class are elves..."
    • "You've got to risk ruining your pieces rather than leaving them just 'OK'. I ruin pieces."
    • "You're not in the business of making products. You're in the business of making things that really make a difference."
    • (on over-ornamentation in London) "You go in the bathroom and you can't find the toilet because there are so many mirrors...you can't find yourself!"
    • "That's what life is...a series of compromises."
    • "It's not like you walk into a gallery and the first thing you do is throw yourself on the floor."
    • "Maybe I'm just the queen of absurdity!"
    • "We have the resident heroin addict..."
    • "She-who-corrodes-all-tools..."
    • "You're ignoring me now?! I'm putting you on the beat-up list."
    • "When you think about archival-ness, that slows you down."
    • "I'm encouraged but you're too polite."
    • "Would you like a mustache or sideburns with that?"
    • "That'll be the end of your career...when you keel over...hopefully not into the cactus outside your studio."
    • "I don't want you to be making my own work...I want you to struggle with the materials..."
    • "Being disaffective is not a good way of being an artist."
    • "You can hate me, but I want you to be a good artist."
    • "Why do this if you're not gonna be a star?"
    • "Do you want to be stabbed by my pen?"
    • "Art has to hit your brain, but it has to hit your body too."
    • "When you're elderly, you make fun of things to compensate."
    • "Prior to the internet, you'd occasionally hear about the farmer in his barn making a giant ball of string."
    • "Don't start miming...I hate mimes...I'll stab you."
    • "I gave my son Hotwheels every time he had to poop...and he has the biggest collection. I tell you, you can't even lift it."
  • Theatre Professor Jon Rossini

    • (as an example of surrealism): "[You have] your brother who's really your father teaching third grade at your high school [and you consider] how that sixth eyebrow feels..."
    • "There's no real meaning to knocking over my eyedrops."
    • "You right hand-ites!"
    • "Love is a sloppy word."
    • (on modern post modernism): "We don't know what it is, but we know it comes after the thing that happened before."
    • "Is solving a problem better than leaving it open? I know that's a really lame-ass question, but I'm just putting it out there."
    • "I sometimes enjoy text [as opposed to theatre] better because it is safely ensconced in an ivory protected tower which is my head."
    • "Experimental theatre is theatre invested in the idea of theatre...whatever that is."
    • "A manifesto is not necessarily a thing you'd want to share with your grandmother, and if you would want to, your grandmother's probably a very interesting person."
    • "And now I'm going to ask the evil question,'Why do we care?'"
    • (Pointing to a dent): "You can spend some time talking about the outline of violence against the wall."
    • (On love): "It's one of those four-letter words. You probably don't say it in front of your mother."
    • "Don't inhabit the darkness too much."
    • "I noticed that when I started doing tai chi outside, dogs started barking at me."
    • "Make theatre, not war."
    • "Why don't we listen to me for a moment?"
    • "Can you be entertained by the carrots not being made for dinner?"
    • "To explain something is to erase certain other possibilities."
    • "'Experimental' may mean that we don't yet have a context for it."
    • "I will not answer your question one more time."
    • "Non-linear is not as weird as it could be."
  • Art History Professor Simon Sadler

    • "[The Taj Mahal] 'tis rather beautiful...although I think the security guard stole my pen as I was going in..."
    • "Architecture creates walls—literally, it creates walls."
    • "Obvious questions are great."
    • "I can't remember how to spell 'extravagant'! This'll show how down with the kids I am...how about, 'bling'?
    • "Buildings are garrulous, they're chatting to you, they can't shut up."
    • "This is the part of the lecture where I lose the cursor."
    • "Maybe we should have a huge class field trip [to Las Vegas]."
    • "What is it? Five skyscrapers for the price of one?"
    • "Who needs Egypt?"
    • "Architecture is a horrible thing sometimes...it makes you behave in ways you don't want to behave."
    • "We haven't got enough symbols on this campus."
    • "Architecture is not innocent at all."
    • "This is sort of caveman stuff—but!—with the big TV."
    • "I invite you to be amazed..."
    • "I actually didn't realize Babylon was a real place until alarmingly recently..."
    • "This is going to sound very poetic now: They are trying to describe its wall-ness."
    • "Hence the alien theory...for desperate people." (on supposed earthen ramps leading to chambers in the pyramids)
    • "Courtesy of Google...the lovely Google...a see-through negligée pyramid."
    • "I mean, the pyramids are great, but THIS..."
    • "The courtyard...one of the greatest inventions of architecture."
    • "We'll start class a few minutes late; I've got to finish...finish the lecture, really..."
    • "It's trying to kill me, this quarter..."
    • "What a [lecture] to be doing with the remains of a cold...because it was kind of a pivotal moment in the history of the world..." (on a lecture about Roman architecture).
    • "If you go to the Pergamon Museum, which I find an absolutely hilarious place to be..."
    • "The Romans could build up to the point of failure."
    • "The architect—and it would have been a 'he'—decided not to complete the triangle. Why? Because that's art."
    • "Can you overestimate Roman architecture? No, no, not really."
    • "The Romans decided the Scots weren't worth it..."
    • "My goodness, weren't they convinced they were superior to everything..." (on the Romans)
    • "This is SERIOUS over-engineering, folks." (on 2,000-year-old Roman aqueducts)
    • "It's kind of the forerunner to the modern gym." (on Roman toilets)
    • "For me the history of architecture is really the history of culture."
    • "It's getting deep and somewhat Barry White by the end of this lecture." (on his own cold-affected voice)
    • "I hope you're not offended...I somehow think you're not."
    • "All parts of the empire get the full-service treatment from Rome."
    • "The things this guy gets excited about...a column stuck to a wall..." (about himself)
    • "You are SMOKING today!"
    • "Folks, why don't you have a one or two-minute break...think about Rome..."
    • "This is the big daddy of urban design: the Roman forums. Or big mother, if you like..."
    • "That hill is going to be a real nuisance...but they've got a solution: they'll demolish the hill."
    • "Thank GOODNESS for the CAD guys!"
    • "SF never really had the crowds. They never really came."
    • "What is this? The world's first shopping mall? Quite possibly." (on the Trajan marketplace)
    • "Domes are heavy. Domes are really, really heavy. Domes want to crush the space beneath."
    • "Rank hubris...completely over-confident." (on Gothic architecture)
    • "If you're going to build conservatively, use lots of wall."
    • "They did it with glee, with joy. Well, they might have regretted while they fell." (on stone masons dying on the job, falling from great heights while building Gothic churches)
    • "We're going to see why the Gothic vault whips the groin vault's ass."
    • "Take a chance: claustrophobia or vertigo!"
    • "They're constantly wanting to fall down, these places." (on Gothic cathedrals)
    • "It would be a perfect place to die..." (on Notre Dame)
    • "What the HELL is this picture of?"
    • "It had spent hundreds of years trying to fall down."
    • "Why don't we end the lecture by pretending we're in the Piazza San Marco?"
    • "I'm not that up-to-date on Star Wars."
    • "Pretend that I'm responding to this completely as an ignoramous..."
    • "Star Wars and Blade Runner in one lecture—amazing!"
    • "No handrails. You trip, you fall, you die. Kind of raises the stakes."
    • "That's a very silly analogy, actually. Beat it and retract it."
    • "The Bauhaus would have loved the iPhone."
  • English Professor David Simpson

    • "Matthew Arnold justifies my role as a professor. That way, I'm not just a pompous ass."
    • "You know Puritans. They were the people who couldn't call cocks, cocks. Stupid roosters."
      • Prof. Simpson is great! —ss
  • Art History Professor Blake Stimson

    • "He's not sitting down in front of Borders ... he's kind of sitting by that gnarly bit of Olive Drive." (on Allan Ginsberg's Sunflower Sutra)
    • "Think about the table as a concept."
    • "There's pornographic neon here..."
    • "Coke doesn't add life! It adds sugar and water and carbonation."
    • "He's a greasy guy...a little creepy-looking...it really suited the medium." (on work by Vito Acconci)
    • "I find your footsteps really hot." (on work by Vito Acconci)
    • "Maybe the best word for it would be 'creepiness'." (on work by Vito Acconci)
    • "Of course we can say, 'Those crazy artists! They do the damnest things!' but that doesn't really get us anywhere."
    • "You know, Leonardo, Picasso, Jackass."
    • "How do we make this specifically historical? Like, 'Masturbators' Rights?'" (on work by Vito Acconci)
    • "Fight for the right to be nasty."
    • "It's creepy but there's kind of an appeal to it too." (on Pier 18 by Vito Acconci)
    • "'Clitori?' Is that the plural?"
    • "Aside from being annoyingly promotional, it has really annoying music, so sort of be forewarned about that." (on the film "Manufactured Landscapes")
    • "I don't know how to talk about this in terms of our times, but we may be able to talk about it with something like Walmart." (on photographic modernity)
    • "If you go listen to pop music and the violins come in, you know it's time to be sentimental and you sort of go 'woo, woo, woo' with the music, right?"
    • "...this was like the iPhone...incredibly sexy in its modernity." (on the inception of modern architecture and associated photography)
    • "You go into the machine, you come out as a sausage." (on mediated experiences)
    • "...or de-dog yourself in this instance. De-canine yourself?" (on dehumanizing effect of gas masks on people and dogs during WWI)
    • "You're supposed to see something there that transcended its own bell pepper-ness." (on Edward Weston photography)
    • "It's kind of an objectification of a pepper." (on Weston)
    • "This may not be the sexiest lamp I could find..."
    • "[You're] seeing part of the past that is a parlance of knowledge...sorry for the alliteration."
    • "Wow! That's a hot lamp!"
    • "There's the woman that's sexual and the utility box that's not."
    • "[There exists] the neutered concept of sexuality that we often use the word 'sensual' for."
    • "We don't want to say, 'This guy has just put too much testosterone in his Wheaties." (on the interpretation of work by Hans Bellmer)
  • Art History Professor Diana Strazdes

    • "We're seeing this gorgeous pattern and we realize we've just seen a duck shot...and we see this duck and he's frightened because he's about to get it."
    • "Isn't this like, a sunfish crowd?"
    • "Mary Cassatt doesn't know any more about sailing than we do."
  • Music Professor Jeffrey Thomas, TA Jeremy Faust, TA David Amrien Chorus Spring 2005

    • Music "It's better to regret something you have done then something you haven't done." Gibby Haines, Butthole Surfers. Wayne Schiller
  • Math Professor Craig Tracy

    • (teaching Math 22B) "By now this integral is screaming 'change of variable.' Can't you hear it?
  • Math professor Andrew Waldron teaching Math 21A

    • "...as for people who use yellow hi-liters and wear pink, there is something seriously wrong with them."
    • "Sometimes it's good to lead by misexample, like the Bernstein Bears. Remember those books? They were great!"
    • "This thing here ... is a banana ... that log (x) is also a banana ... and this is the banana cancel principle."
    • "I don't know what they do in communist countries; they must have a different Product Rule I guess."
  • Medieval Studies Professor Kevin Roddy

    • "Expand!!!"
    • “You [the students] are being victimized by a kind of game of who has the biggest dick”.
    • "this is called DEATH"
    • "They didn't let shit roll into the river"
    • "I bet the Templars beat the shit out of this guy"
    • "I sort of figured you wouldn't read it, you idiots."
    • "right now there is an orgy going on somewhere"
    • "Teacher hangs self with tie!"
    • "When I was in college, students actually -read- the books"
    • "If someone shows us a man, we don't say that's a horse"
    • Regarding "Romeo and Juliet," and the concept of revenge:"Revenge is a dish best served cold. Very few people knew that Klingons are Italians."
    • About people who exercise: "Yeah they're happy — when they stop."
    • About eagles: "They're kings of the birds, just like lions are kings of the lions."
    • A student says Johnny Cash was ...of Roddy's era: "My era! I think I'll leave now. I may make it back to my office before I die. Johnny and I were in Folsom together. I taught him everything he knows. Before that I was the star."
    • "Transitions! High school to college, college to unemployment, unemployment back to your parents' house..."
    • "Really stupidly, they though the soul looked about 22 years old. In reality, it looks a lot older. What's this about a 22 year old being ideal?"
    • "it's called buttfucking!"
    • 'Sitting in a convalescent home, bathed in shit and pee thinking "I'm gonna die!"'
    • "Starving is not fun"
    • "Good! NOW you're thinking like a barbarian!"
  • Plant Biology Professor: Bio 1C

    • "Everybody loves fruit."
  • Music Professor Mika Pelo - SSII 2013 MUS 122

    • "There is no note racism in the whole tone scale."

    Wiki Users

  • CurlyGirl26

    • Sorry I dropped your kid
      • I'd like to take credit for the above quote. I really did say this. I even have witnesses. CurlyGirl26
        • 2008-10-11 16:33:20   You would like to, but what is stopping you? —IDoNotExist
          • 2008-10-11 16:37:13   Wasn't sure about the rules. Didn't know whether I was required to petition the court, first. —CurlyGirl26
  • MichelleAccurso

    • (A long night, a Fruedian slip, and a mumbling co-worker) Co-worker: "That was very Freud of you." Michelle: "Who?" Co-worker: "You know Freud as in Sigmund Freud?" Michelle: "How am I Freud of Siegfried and Freud?... Oh wait!"
  • TusharRawat

    • About Chem Labs: "So if you have chemicals on your ass you're doing something wrong...."
    • "Some girl was smoking weed, A LOT OF WEED."
  • SummerSong

    • "What kind of tree is this? Hopefully next time I step on one of these gross little berries in bare feet, I'll be able to say "God damn (Fill in the Blank) Tree!" instead of just "FUCK!"
  • CindySperry

    • (in the middle of a conversation about whether shrubs have feelings) "So, the shrubs... OOH! Bunnies! No no, see, the bunnies are in mating season, they're chasing each other around!"
    • (Friend, responding) "Cindy, I swear someday you'll be CEO of a major corporation, and you'll say 'wait, guys, give me 5 minutes. It's mating season.' And we will all laugh!"
  • JabberWokky "I highly doubt you can get to my cow, let alone steal it."

  • Other People and Random Places

  • Disgraced California Aggie columnist Ian Watson:

    • "ASUCD is not a government, but rather something akin to the YMCA with a large vehicle fleet." (article)
  • A conversation between JackkiCox and a co-worker:

    • co-worker: "I think Dave will appreciate the authenticity of it."

    Jackki: [nods yes] "Wait. What city?"

  • (from a friend) in passing into a shop:

  • "...so in walks this Barney Rubble-lookin'-muthafucka..."

    conclusion of conversation unknown.

  • At Dos Coyotes in North Davis, on the patio children are running around being obnoxious, then suddenly one bursts into tears. Starts wailing to its parent that the other kid threw something at him. Parents of the child who did the throwing to her child: "Next time make sure you have a straight shot so there's no collateral damage."

  • JimStewart overheard "Davis is a bunch of fascists pretending that they are liberals."

  • Former KDVS general manager Steven Valentino: "It's the student fucking senate. I think they can take a faggot in a tiara."

  • Biology TA at giant group evening study session in 1100 Social Sciences. "I don't want to keep you here all night. I've got a date." Entire classroom of hundreds breaks out in laughter.